[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
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Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*