[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
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[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message