if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
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Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Don’t forget to tip your server
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us