We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
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Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
This will never not be funny 😭
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.