Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
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I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Best table by far
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio