Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
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When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”