Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
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Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
This is hilarious….
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
We’ve come full circle
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
How animals would run if they were human
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.