I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
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[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
@funTweeters
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Today’s Times
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit