*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
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Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”