There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.