If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids