Them: You should try keto
Me:
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For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it