Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
You Might Also Like
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean