[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.