I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.