Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
emergency phone
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded