tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
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🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
BaD BoY!!
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Body by sandwich.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.