If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.