My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
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Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄