Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
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What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen