CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”