1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.