Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
You Might Also Like
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.