Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee