#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Well, this is awkward
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Perfect
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
dads on road-trips be like
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’