[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
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Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand