me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
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[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me