Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
You Might Also Like
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.