It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Sticker placement is key.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Catercrombie & Fish
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?