Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I’m not wrong
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Awwwww shit.
😂 amazing answer
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to