I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.