If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.