Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
This fish is cracking me up
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.