By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
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My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.