Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
You Might Also Like
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown