Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
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A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
North and South
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.