Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
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Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid