Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
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Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos