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*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
*3.5 thank you very much.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.