Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
When ur friends with white people
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”