Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
You Might Also Like
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My purse is deeper than some people.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.