I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
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Boating season is upon us.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Saturday
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
this makes me so uncomfortable
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?