Finally, an instrument I can play!
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Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.