“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol