Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
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we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
? 💀
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.