HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Fries, not lies.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.