Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
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ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I feel seen.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
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With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.