I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad