me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Happy birthday to all the women
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Writing, She Murdered.