* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
You Might Also Like
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Bro what is this
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.